Pineapples Sex and Ikea

I have just read the entire  history of  “The Pineapple” , an opportunity that I would not have were I not judging a competition. I have forty books to read over the next three weeks,  a minimum of two books a day. Counting days to calculate  the workload deadline ratio is the first sign of panic.

You’d be suprised where a pineapple popsup.  Ever heard “I have a pineapple”. These the first lines of that famous martin luther king speech. No?  And what do you think the wisemen brought to little baby jesus. Francinsence? Myhr? Don’t be silly. It was, you guessed it,  a pineapple.  I am joking but it is a facinating read. All hail the pineapple.

I’m reading Andrew Bissells The Real Life of Antony Burgess. Burgess is a manchester born polymath, known mostly for his novels, one which was made into stanley Kubriks A Clockwork Orange. It is facinating. I am a third of the way  through it. It is enjoyable  reading a book with so many referrences to Mancehster, it  cures a certain “see” sickness.  It has special significance too  as my friend Benji Reid ( one of the two greatest exponents of hip hop theatre) , is   doing an adaptation of A Clockwork Orange for The National Theatre. As it goes on stage I will be writer in residence at The South Bank (1 minute away) which is just  the peach. Or should i say, pineapple.

Over the weekend The Girlfriend and I  did Ikea. That sounds a bit like a porn film. It isn’t.   And yet there’s lots of huffing and puffing; there’s lots of sweat; there is extasy, relief, an intense amount of moaning, cigarette breaks (that one is a bit of a lie)  and  a sense of satisfaction.   We spent the entire Sunday putting  furniture. The bookshelves are the bomb  and stretch to the ceiling of our front room. A  nightmare to get up, but once done I had the books lined up in their places at the ready on their shelves. Soldiers begging to be chosen for service. I took a step back to admire my handiwork, like an  explorer posing for  the picture.Lemn and The Bookshelf  06.   I always put books flush to the front of the shelf, it is more pleasing to the eye and is also more honest to their nature.  As I turned to the  GF to say ook what I done, a floorboard creaked beneath. The GF raised an eyebrow. I responded with a scowl and then it began.  The highest shelf creaked. Cue  music: Adagio for strings by samuel barber (the music used in the vietnam film  Platoon). I am turning.  Everything is slow slow mo.  Arms are splayed wide like a goalkeeper I am turning around from girlfriend  turning turning to the exploding shelves the sound emerging   is a slow  elongated  “Nooooaaagagghh” as each shelf  falls onto the next. A concertina. Books slid  like magma around my feet  and i fall gracelessly to the floor, gunned down on the battlefield of my reading. Bugger!

4 thoughts on “Pineapples Sex and Ikea

  1. i'm crying, yes i really am i've been miserable for days now and in need of a really good cry, and now i'm having one.
    i've also just picked myself up off the floor – oh to be a fly on your wall, preferably the one behind the bookcase ;-0

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