Shadow Boxing with An Hungarian Tooth fairy

I’m in a five star apartment hotel in Budapest.  My apartment has the  kingsize bed with the  large sitting room,   bathroom and a kitchenette. My windows,   the kind that open at the side and swing open,  look out onto a manicured courtyard filled with singing birds – it’s a sun trap.  

And if I look through my window to my right on the ground floor I can see the indoor swimming pool and  large glass  doors that open up to the courtyard.  It’s where the sauna is and the dry steam room and the Jaccuzzi.  I am in heaven. 

I am here for two reasons. Firstly I am learning  lines for my play  which will be performed in
South Africa  in the two weeks time  and secondly I am having various adjustments
to my teeth at a  dentists called Vitalpoint. 

Yesterday my teeth were in so much pain after  the treatment when the  numbness wore off that I felt like punching myself in the mouth as a distraction.  Though this was an appealing thought it was ultimately a bad idea so  stood like a boxer in the mirror I convinced myself not to do it.

The tooth fairy is an interesting analogy.  Parents  make it all possible –   the exchange
of tooth and money. My teeth have been my little way of telling myself that no one has been there:  My little self destruct button:  My succeeding quest for anti-success.  In short,  bollocks.

Funny how one lugs baggage – clumsy ideas from ones past – long after anything inside it is of any use to anyone least of all oneself.   So here I am in the sunshine getting my
teeth done and learning my lines.   There are no dental appointments today.

Punching myself as a distraction. There was a point in my life where that made sense as a sort of survival technique.  I did it with alcohol. Drank so much I couldn’t remember how much I had belittled myself.  And there it was the day after – the tales of my self destruction; the proof that I didn’t matter. What a waste.

There’s a line in the play  where a friend says to me “families are a  pain in the arse” and I reply “ yeah and at least if I felt pain I would know  I was alive”.  Self destruction is a bit like that.  On a tangential matter yesterday I felt pain and jesus I knew I was alive  today as
the sun belts down and the pain has receded  believe me, I feel alive too. It’s all good. I’m my own family and so is anyone who knows me.  I am going for a swim!

2 thoughts on “Shadow Boxing with An Hungarian Tooth fairy

  1. Hi
    Now it all makes sense! I'm with you on the dental pain. Just remember we forget the memory of pain, otherwise women would have more than one child! Ironically I woke up this morning and thought how great it was I didn't have an infection in my teeth anymore and I didn't think of the op I had to achieve that. If you get chance go to the main city baths. You can swim outside in hot pools, it's bliss.
    See you soon. Hope the line learning's going well.
    Gerry x

  2. What amazes me is that despite all the pain and trauma you've went through over the years you managed to be so articulate and to write brilliant poetry, to do that whilst feeling seriously messed up is awesome.
    Hope you like your new teeth!

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