Live on Air

Forget the reasons. Here’s what it is.  It is the fear of meeting someone who recognises me;   friend , acquaintance, colleague, shopkeeper  family ormirror.  The thought of eye contact with any of them sends a strike to the core.   I am not sure Jean Paul Sartre had depression  in mind but  “Hell is other people”  typifies the anti-social modus operandi.  Not that “other people” are to blame.  If hell is other people then heaven should be
 total  isolation shouldn’t it?

To justify  isolation   gorge  on destructive debilitating thoughts that will render an inability  to face anyone at anytime,  the horror of it.  The perverse need to break off all relationships is both selfish and selfless.  Selfless  because  it is a way to shield  other people from the  darkness.  Selfish because the darkness is all mine.

Where is this behaviour leading. After cradling these thoughts   tonight  I found myself surrounded by television cameras and technicians, sat on a couch facing Clive Anderson for an hour’s television show  on sky arts. The studio is built outside of the fourth plinth on Trafalgar square in the pulsating heart of London.

I watch the technicians count down and then were live on air.

4 thoughts on “Live on Air

  1. You sum it up perfectly! That's just how it feels. Depression is so debilitating and can literally incarcerate you, your own mind and soul become a prison where you torture yourself, it's pain turned inwards, anger turned in, it does come from real stuff though, and it's this stuff we need to get beyond somehow, one day at a time, moment by moment.
    Wishing you joy Lemn and peace. YOu inspire me and lift me up more than you can know, you're a rare spirit! Love Mary.

  2. so – how did you cope or did you panic for a millisecond and then you're ON and your star shines bright for all the world to see! The depression description is brilliant as those in the no know!

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