I'm artist in residence at Grassington Festival. Been here a few days in the heart of The Yorkshire Dales, prime beef producing country and its burger night in the village. At 5pm I’m there and I order the largest burger beast on the menu: The cheese special burger special. special .

Not only was a slab of local cheese on top of the burger with the buffalo tomato and fresh lettuce between perfect bread but but there was a special surprise. Some form of cheese liquid was injected into the centre of the burger. I didn't know about this cause I hadn’t read the small print.

When I held it aloft and bit into the burger, compressing it with my hands to hold it all together, the pressure building up inside of the meat IED was too much and with all the force of projectile vomit the cheese juice found a breathing hole and spurted geyser-like all over my crotch. This wasn't just water based liquid, this was cheese juice . After trying to wipe it off which only made it worse I gave up and sullenly finished my burger before taking the walk of stained shame through the beautiful village.