Phoenixairport is a buzzing hive of spiky intercom bleeps and indecipherable tanoid announcements. It is South Park on hallucinogenics. The problem with the post-performance drink is it invariably starts late at night. I have a hang over. I can
just about keep a handle on what’s in each of my five bags. And doing a good
impression of a vagrant I spend half an hour exploring every single pocket in
every single case until I find the ticket. The check in lady – I’m sorry sir only two bags allowed on the plane and two bags in luggage. You have five. The number five echoes through my head. Sesame streets famous purple caped Dracula character The Count appears behind the check in counter five cases of luggage he says with slight reverb Hahahahaha har. I spend another half hour squeezing zipping pushing and harrumphing to get to the requisite four. Please let it end.
Excuse me surrrrr enquires the polite customs officer. The next half hour is spent discussing the weight of toothpaste and shaving gel. I wave goodbye to my toiletries the comfort zone for any traveller and reach my gate to a broadcast announcement from a man stood one yard away from me ladies and gentlemen US airways apologises… Blah blah flight….blah blah lat..e blah blah inform you…. Blah as information comes in… blah blah. Must drink water. Mouth sticky. Finally, finally,
I’m on the plane. The public address system is turned up too loud. Somebody sat behind me complains. It remains at the same. I am going to heave. Please
let it end. Please. I am just a poor boy from England. Mommmyyyyyyy.
From 100 degrees in Arizona to the freezing temperatures of an autumnal Calgary, Canada. My internal temperature plummeted. My ears have gone into shock. My eyes freeze over. After plying me with much needed coffee the festival organisers take me to the Fairmont Palliser hotel in Downtown Calgary. Calgary is built on oil. The city is spreading so fast that there is a shortage of builders. I’m here for six days. It’s a four and a half star hotel with grand chandeliers, large mirrors, art deco. My room is facing a building site. The Purple puppet The Count appears again in duplicate on each exposed floor of the adjacent building site Twenty pneumatic drrrrills and with slight reverb hahahaha har.