I’m in a five star apartment hotel in Budapest. My apartment has the kingsize bed with the large sitting room, bathroom and a kitchenette. My windows, the kind that open at the side and swing open, look out onto a manicured courtyard filled with singing birds – it’s a sun trap.
And if I look through my window to my right on the ground floor I can see the indoor swimming pool and large glass doors that open up to the courtyard. It’s where the sauna is and the dry steam room and the Jaccuzzi. I am in heaven.
I am here for two reasons. Firstly I am learning lines for my play which will be performed in
South Africa in the two weeks time and secondly I am having various adjustments
to my teeth at a dentists called Vitalpoint.
Yesterday my teeth were in so much pain after the treatment when the numbness wore off that I felt like punching myself in the mouth as a distraction. Though this was an appealing thought it was ultimately a bad idea so stood like a boxer in the mirror I convinced myself not to do it.
The tooth fairy is an interesting analogy. Parents make it all possible – the exchange
of tooth and money. My teeth have been my little way of telling myself that no one has been there: My little self destruct button: My succeeding quest for anti-success. In short, bollocks.
Funny how one lugs baggage – clumsy ideas from ones past – long after anything inside it is of any use to anyone least of all oneself. So here I am in the sunshine getting my
teeth done and learning my lines. There are no dental appointments today.
Punching myself as a distraction. There was a point in my life where that made sense as a sort of survival technique. I did it with alcohol. Drank so much I couldn’t remember how much I had belittled myself. And there it was the day after – the tales of my self destruction; the proof that I didn’t matter. What a waste.
There’s a line in the play where a friend says to me “families are a pain in the arse” and I reply “ yeah and at least if I felt pain I would know I was alive”. Self destruction is a bit like that. On a tangential matter yesterday I felt pain and jesus I knew I was alive today as
the sun belts down and the pain has receded believe me, I feel alive too. It’s all good. I’m my own family and so is anyone who knows me. I am going for a swim!