It’s December 7th 2019, exactly 100 days since the launch of My Name Is Why at The Edinburgh Book Festival. I have just arrived at Heathrow Airport from a few days filming and performing in Ethiopia. My phone pings “Welcome home” a text from Lara, my assistant, “Don’t forget the interview tomorrow”. As I walk through the terminal I feel the darkness. I slouch in the taxi as David Bowie and Bing Crosby lament The Little Drummer Boy “Bah rumpa pump pum” . The game’s up. Christmas is coming. I’m due a crash.
Director John O’Rouke Filming on Mount Entoto overlooking Addis Ababa at dawn.
Since publication day in Scotland it has been a non-stop speedway and I have loved every single minute of it. My email inbox, twitter DM’s, Facebook and instagram messages are a tidal wave of love and kindness. “Come to our house for Christmas” said one “Stay with our family” said another. I’ve met some incredible people like the young woman in a book-signing queue (blackwells in Oxford) with tubes protruding from her nose. Breathing heavily between words she said “I am….. waiting… for a…. new lung… but I checked…. myself out… to be here”. Bless her.
An audience in Addis
My Name Is Why reached Number One in The Sunday Times Bestseller list. Number one!? I thought I was doing good, being Lemn Sissay, being my authentic self, but I was moonwalking. It looked like I was going forward when actually I was going backwards.
The taxi driver is talkative. Too talkative. I’m not aware of what he is saying and I am not even sure he is. He is outside of the taxi knocking on the window “are you okay. Are you okay” He’s driving too. We are bouncing down the dual carriageway. West to East. I’m shattered. Where are the family I searched for? Who are the family I searched for? Who am I? Was this all worth it? Any of it? I implode and explode. I’ve shattered into thousands of splinters splaying outwards in a fan of mirrored shards in all directions. Ridiculous. True. Ridiculous. True. Every reflection is laughing back at me.
I still have no next of kin on my passport. ffs. I leaf through the tatooed paper in the cab and throw it into my bag. All the theory of how to institutionally annihilate a human is in my story. Front and centre. But it isn’t a story. Christmas is coming. It’s true. I live with the consequences. This isn’t news to me. This happened. And it’s happening now. I arrive at my London apartment, close the door behind me, and make a deal. I can’t go out. I won’t go out. I must count what I have not got. Like a miser. I can’t talk to anyone. Except on the phone. I can’t see anyone.
And that was my Christmas.
Sending you love light n hugs
If you travelling this way let me know and coffee is on me x
Cheers.
Hope you are ok. X
I am. We all get through.
I wrote this after I saw you at the Bernie Grant Center… am sending this now … your blog got to me.
“You may be the secret of that one family in Ethiopia. We can not, even as a collective, ease that pain but we want you to know we are more than thrilled, elated to have that ‘obnoxious’ child on the world stage. But as you said you were not naughty at all.
You are so eloquent, we just can’t stop feeling proud of you.
Yes you are not defined by your past at all, we love you beyond your imagination, we hang around your tweeter page to read your morning poems. We listen to all the podcasts you’ve been on. For me, Desert Island discs is still the one that gets me. You sounded down on the ‘How to fail’. I thought maybe you were tired because I saw how tired you were at the Bernie Grant center.”
Lemn, ‘Change is gonna come’ by TTD
❤️ from
Yes it is! Thankyou
Oh my word, I am not eloquent like you, I find a written response to what you have written, and I have just read, impossible. Instead I send you loving thoughts and healing wishes ❤️
I am okay and thankyou. It is important to share the darkness as well as the light.
You are more than ok, you are bloody amazing! And yes, life is all about contrasts and shades
Isn’t it just. Thankyou.
Always welcome here by the sea in North Wales, I’m from Wigan too! (Don’t know if you’ll think that is a good thing or bad)
It’s all good. 🙂
Oh my God Lemn I have just read your blog & I am crying & so so sorry you had such a bad crash. Christmas is always very difficult for me & I have a family. I hope you are getting through it & or are getting help. Please don’t suffer alone unless you know what is best for you from past experience.
Alone is not the way. I do get help. I just… well it’s important to share the darkness too…. I get through…
We have missed you. We notice when you’re not there. Sending love. X
thanks
Just sending you a smile.No more no less
🙂
Lemn, always sending you lots of healing lights! it will get better just keep going toward the direction of it – the pain, don’t run away…. feel it… you are your own healer…. thank you for your openness and allowing us to see our own pain and run and listen to it… some of us do relate to you not as a child from care home but your confusion as a result of a complicated mother love… our culture ( habesha) as beautiful it is, it can be very confusing too… through all your talks few of us are/were connecting that part of ‘pain’…
May the next part of healing be kind and easy on you brother!
Thankyou sister
Your warmth is shining through the darkness. “I’m hanging on. I’m hanging on” . Your words . Keep warm and eat good things x
Ahh Joan thanks
Always here for you my friend of old (see I didn’t call you old there).
Liz xx
Shaat it. Thanks Liz. Bags of love
X
Oi. Helllloooo and thankyouuuu x
Thank you for sharing your darkness. I hope it heals you as it does your readers. For me, it frees me to be and embrace the good, the bad and the confusing. Thank You and May you be happy more days than not.
Harm Hugs
Thankyou. I think you meant “Warm hugs”. made me smile.
I’m sorry you went down with a crash, and it led.to a dark.place. You seemed.to need some time time off, those 100 days must.have taken great reserves.of energy to get through. I hope you are coming back up now but will be able to take time for you to rest and find balance often. xx
Hey. I am zebedee. 🙂
I am so sorry to hear this. But not so surprised.
What you feel is what makes you and (paraphrasing) you are a part of all you’ve met.
Hope you feel better and some bounce comes back.
With love and please drop in to MIB one day,
Perdi
I will.But what is MIB 🙂
The only safety lies in letting it all in, love to you Lemn
And letting it all go. 🙂 Thankyou
I have missed you, wondered what was happening, now I know.
I’d be more than happy, as weird as this sounds, to be your adopted next of kin for your passport. Just saying!
Sendjng love n hugs, and yes, the dark needs sharing too xxxx
That’s a beautiful thing to say – Thankyou.
Lemn, like so many, I do not know you personally yet feel like I do. Take care of yourself and know that we do care xx
Thankyou.
Lemn….please don’t take your blog down. Please x
Good point. I won’t take it down. I will write another.
Good man for being vulnerable. Feeling it myself, grieving my beautiful sister. Loads of love Lemn x
We come through. We really do.
Christmas is a tough time; I’m so glad you are out the other side and talking. Keep talking Lemn, it’s the only way. Love and light x
I agree! Thanks Sheena
Please feel the cushion of love of millions of people who have been touched by you, the injustices you have faced and the plight of so many others you have revealed.
Thankyou I feel it in the way you describe it. The cushion. Beautiful
As ever your words convey the truth so wonderfully, but so painfully, so hard to read. Your writing is brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself. Take care and have some rest and refreshment ( for body and heart) .
Thankyou Elizabeth
I must count what I have not got. Like a miser.
You should be a poet.
I was counting over Christmas too, Ebenezer Scrooge style.
Your ghosts visit and those bastards are real and that’s why Scrooge dances on Christmas morning, not because it was all a dream but because it wasn’t. Real living is talking to the ghosts, they’re real, they hurt like f**k. Count then dance, count then dance…
Namaste Lemn
Namaste Lara. Thanks for a beautiful post. I am coounting and dancing.
What an amazing human being you are. I am sorry that the journey is slow and laborious. Sometimes life is just plain shitty but something inside us pushes us forward into a hopeful place. I hope that you find that soon. Keep being your authentic self and we will continue to be your listening friends, cheering you on, telling our friends to find your work and saying to you, keep it up you are not journeying alone and you are marvellous.
🙂 Thankyou. Ofcourse, thankyou. The kind responses to my blog do make a difference. Words are powerful.
Lemn When you give so much you are bound to feel drained. Rest and recover. You are very loved. Xx
Rest and recover – love it. Cheers
Sharing is good. It places some light into the darkness and make it a bearable shade of grey. Like the previous commenter, I’m happy to be a (surrogate) next of kin. Reach out x
Thanks for the share back. I appreciate it. It has made a difference.
I’ve never met you personally but I feel I know you. Your work is incredible, I first encountered it when I was part of a creative journey group of quilters in Edinburgh and we used one of your poems as our inspiration source for our quilted wall art. Your words moved me so much, you have such insight and an incredible gift. I am so sorry that Christmas has been so difficult for you, I can’t even begin to imagine how that felt but like others, I would want to reach out and say you are not alone, you matter, and there are many people, myself included, who would be happy to call you kin. Bless you, Lemn, I hope you feel better, the world is a better place for your presence. Don’t ever forget that.
Thankyou Linda. I shalln’t.
Lemn, I wonder if you know how common this is. Christmas expectations are unrealistic for everyone. I dread it. I really thank you for your honesty, let’s stop this pretence that our lives are perfect, it knocks on negatively to those who can’t pretend. And it’s good to just accept that how it is, is how it is, and it’s not a reflection of the amount you are loved, and you are not alone in this experience. The media are major perpetrators of defining how life should be, and it never is.
It is comforting to know that it is common. In many ways this makes it more appropriate to share what seems a damagingly personalpost. Itisnt damagingly personal at all.
God bless
perfect. Cheers.
Dear Lemn, I too missed you and wondered how you were. Now I know and can understand. Take care of yourself, you have had a turbulent spell, let’s hope that calmer weather is on the way? As others have said, you are in our thoughts and hearts. That radiant smile will come shining through once more. Hx
Yes rest and recover. I like that sound.
Lemn you are raising so much awareness and share so much light but yes the dark needs sharing too. Take good care of yourself x
thankyou
Take sometime out to relax and gather yourself and your thoughts together. And be kind to yourself x
that is a deal
This makes me sad. Thanks for sharing, it’s brave. Love you x
Cheers Angie
I know some of this feeling. Sending you much love. I am so often grateful for your posts. Thank you for all that you do.
Xx
But not this time eh? I am joking. Thankyou Diane.
“Summer was like your house: you know
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain.” Take care. x
Ginny thankyou
Dearest Lemn,
It’s harder to be angry at the dead. But there’s a finality which we never experience fully when people are alive but not participating.
My wish to rewrite my story from my losses still exists. It’s most vivid current manifestation is memory loss….. You understand the toll of reliving the losses …. so exhausting.
All the lovely loving caring volunteers above probably feel just as protective and mothering towards you as I do. So I volunteer as well …. but that’s not really the point is it?
The sun is shining outside…. you can still listen to Aretha and the Blues…. and yes the darkness is always there too
Love, love
Anette (extra Nana)
It is harder to be angry at the dead. True. But it is really easy to beangry at the living. My angry involves a miserly
self centredness. It involves an utter lack of gratitude. I am full of gratitude and forgiveness but besides my own
best intentions sometimes I find that I haven’t anything left in the tank! Ha. I feel so much better on writing the blog and hearing the response. Writing the blog is like leaving a message at the door of a dark room while opening the door to the light. y the time I hve written I know I am on the road to recovery. Whoop whoop.
Thank you for having the bravery to write your truth. In a world of polished and edited internet lives it’s easy, for some, to forget the importance of this truth. Sending love.
Hayley thankyou
My goodness, Lemn, you are such a remarkable human being and it saddens me so much to hear of your on-going struggles. It is impossible to put myself in your shoes and I can only begin to imagine your underlying suffering, waiting to ambush you. I send you huge hugs and hope your dark days are few.
“Ambush”. What a word that is. It describes the feeling precisely. Thankyou
Aw, that made me sad for you, also sending smiles, cyber hugs, love and kindness your way, with the rest of the millions of people who think you’re ace! Good to share, to be real and to be open…now get writing, i like your daily poems. x
And todays daily poem is
‘What are you?’ said darkness
‘For I am King no less’
‘Above all?’ said sunrise
‘I’m just a work in progress.’
Lemn thank you – as ever gathering these words of pain, hope & healing.
Heart ached to read of your Christmas crash – Reminded me of Winnicott talking of Hide & Seek – the joy of hiding but disaster if we aren’t found..I’m guessing as treasured as it is, no amount of love & admiration from the wider world matches the ache for your family to open their arms & hearts – and little meaningful help knowing it’s their wounds that prevent that. Sending you companionship in the darkness while you wait to be found.
The hide and seek thing. I have thought of that image too. Crouching behind a hedge and slowly coming out from behind it to find you are in a different land.
A really heart breaking account of the life long impact of careless & poorly considered decisions by social workers & others when you were tiny.
In some ways your family is huge. To many young people in care, to care leavers and lots of us who work with children in care, you feel like a brother, a father, a son.
Maybe you feel connected like that sometimes. But we’re not there at Christmas and we’re not on your passport.
I am sorry it isn’t better for you. But thank you for your book and your work x
Thankyou. I will be well. And writing this post has really helped me as with the responses.
Sending you love and caring thoughts Lemn, hope you will soon feel renewed and the dark days of winter will be behind you. You give so much of yourself to others, please be kind to yourself too.
Thankyou trudy. All the love in this blog makes a difference
Sending you love and light Better days are on the way.You are a true warrior!
Thankyou Laura.
Keep sharing Lemn, we all have the darkness in some shape or form, you are so loved X
Thankyou Claire. We all do. It’s true
Lemn, so sorry to hear you are suffering right now. Glad you decided to share with us. I am sending vibes to you, they are vibes of hope. You are so so special. You give out so much. I hope right now you are able to take some of that back in. X
What I am receiving back fom many is having an effect and I appreciate it. Thankyou.
Breathing for you, and for all who feel the crash and the crush, who get lost in time and between time. Thank you for doing what you do with such mastery–putting words to the inner landscape.
When I read one of your poems to my students last semester (a US high school), one of my students, who is Ethiopian, sat there grinning widely.
“Do you know who this is?” I asked her.
“Of course,” she said.
Of course.
Wishing you good breathing.
THANKYOU. This makes me happy. It has been an amazing journey for that student to know my name and equally for you to have read that poem. The two worlds of my life – poetry and ethiopia – came together in your voice and that students smile. Thankyou.
I just got word last week, after I wrote that, that another Ethiopian student from that same class won a Gold Key in a regional poetry contest for her own poem about Ethiopia. There are strands in the web of the world that connect us all in intricate ways, synchronicities that weave through our lives in ways I cannot articulate, but only sit back with wonder and appreciate.
Love and hope to you.
Thanks.
Lemn … you have been through so much …. and survived but surviving is sometimes crawling on our hands and knees, the healing road from childhood wounds can be a long hard one … kindness and tenderness for self is so
Important … I read your book and wept for you .. that awesome little boy you were .. and the cruelty you endured … each step along the healing road moves through surviving to thriving … and I sense you know instinctively what to do when you crash …. descend .. the dark .. the shadow … I wish for you to have some tender loving soft enveloping dark to hold you safe until you venture out again …. you are welcome to
Be in my tribe … I live in the highlands of Scotland .. Findhorn…. It’s a magnificent place check out the Findhorn Foundation … if you would like some rest and soul nourishment you are welcome anytime …. gratitude to you for putting it out there … speaking your truth
I know of and am Connected to Elie Godsi and David Greenwood… there were both instrumental in a dear friend of mine finally getting an historical abuse case to court and compensation
So he teed me saying hi soul brother … in the words of my favourite singer Leonard Cohen .. ‘ there’s a crack in everything.. that’s where the light gets in’ love love and more love … you are a star a bright shining stars
Sue
“but surviving is sometimes crawling on our hands and knees” oh yes and Leonard Cohern. Thankyou Sue! Elie and David are kind of angels working on the frontline…
Lemn you always appear a ray of sunshine and laughter when you are in the public eye. Take care of yourself you have been through so much. But you are an inspiration to many. I lived in the Lowton when you lived up there. You are welcome to my home in Deal anytime for some seaside r and r.
Love Deal and seaside R and R . Thankyou. I will be round for a cuppa. 🙂
Sorry to hear of your troubles Lemm. I hope you get better soon.
Love from Eire.
Warm regards
Dominic
When The Troubles pass that’s when the effect of the troubles hits ya. I am getting through. Writing this blog was like leaving a message at the door of a dark room while opening the door to the way out.
Hi Lemn,
I adore your poetry. Missed you when you came to Australia, because I was in Africa. But … I shall be in Glasgow 27th February for the Resilience event and so looking forward. Australia, post the bushfires, needs some tips!
Lynne Henderson.
I should be back in Australia and thanks Lynne.
False statement. “No one likes a moaner.”
Helping and listening to a moaner is profoundly human and often energizing. Recently my moaning to a friend provoked a hilarious joke from her and I laughed so hard my son came in the office to see if I was ok.
Positive attitudes are great but they’re definitely not the complete human package. From the responses above you could knock on a lot of our doors day or night and we would feed you, joke with you and cry with you.
Love… your extra Nana whenever you need
Anette
PS sorry can’t rewrite the past…. the hardest losses
Youare always right and I always love reading or hearing your words.
You are all that is good about human nature, hope the darkness lefts soon. We love u.
It has and thanks
Thank you for sharing this. Sending love. This too shall pass x
One day at a time.
Thank you for sharing the dark, it contrasts with your beautiful light.
Here’s to light. I did thefirst morning tweet in months today. It reads
‘What are you?’ said darkness
‘For I am King no less’
‘Above all?’ said sunrise
‘I’m just a work in progress.’
I never share the darkness …I feel I cant….as it will burden others. But mostly I cant find the words. You have given me courage to say something about those down and dark days.
( hope you like the alliteration)
I can definitely offer you dinner and my 80 year Jamaican mom would create an amazing meal accompanied by back home tales.
We are family. I once gave you lift to a school near Croydon where you worked on poems from other cultures with my lovely GCSE lit group. So you see we are family after all.
Joanne this is a really good medium to out the darkness. it is not a burden on the reader, I hope, because the reader can just switch off. I thought of telling it as allegory bt I got bored and realised I should just say it as it is. It did take me a while to press send. And Ihve said that I will take it down after 24 hours. I am not sure what to do. Thankyou for your kind words all the same.
thanks for the lift
Any time. Remember mom and I are here in Brum if passing this way . Left the south many years.
Your workshop was excellent and my pupils got the gcse Lit results ever in the schools history you were part of that. You and I made literature cool and accessible. The kids engaged with a living trendy poet. Keep going. You’re amazing
Hahahah thankyou. ANd to think I don’t gointo schools anymore. Thankyou though. My time in workshops upand down the country ws precious. I got a creeping feeling of being a small cog in the giant educational wheel so I opted out. But I DO workshops with
young people in care or who have left care and it really is fulfilling and led to a Channel Four Documentary called Superkids which took the subject of children in care to the BAFTAs.
I’m the girl you met in Oxford, waiting for new lungs. Sending a hug your way and hoping you have brighter days ahead – be kind to yourself x
It’s you!!! It’s you!! That has made me happy Annie. Here’s to brighter days and the hope we meet again one day! Yay. It isyou! 🙂
Much love and wishing the heavy, soul stealing darkness away again. If only there was a strong enough lock to confine it away for ever! Xx
We only have now, right. This moment. Forever is a longtime and an impossible task. This is what can break me. But when I think of the power of now, it starts to make sense.
Strangely it’s a relief when reading your honesty about the difficult and dark side of things. I’m sorry it’s embedded in your life, that you have it to contend with, but appreciate your candour. Thank you Lemn. May you have increasing light and joys.
Thankyou peppy
I see you Lemn Sissay you are loved
Thankyou kelle
Hey Lem, WE are your family. We that missed you and wanted to believe that you’d be having a ball away from us all. And I’m no stranger to the darkness. But that darkness doesn’t define you – Whereas your brilliance does. Reading around your sentences I hear exhaustion. And I can’t overlook that you’re coming back to Britain during difficult days. Dats where good people are seeing crazy divisions that we left behind on the 1970’s and that (to me) doesn’t feel so great right now either. All that sunshine on your warm bones for those months away & boom, back to cold & grey dark days without bright lights and fresh hope to come home to. Exhaustion sneaks up on you Lem. And if tiredness doesn’t floor you, bacteria does (when we all swap hugs & get crammed into trains & trams like livestock) But I for one am glad that you’re back, very glad to read this post. Honestly hopeful that the bright lights of February will make you feel whole & replenished again? I look forward to seeing those words tumbling from your lips again Lem. Feeling them, living them; dancing to them in the queue for coffee between stations. At times the rhythm of your life feeds us all. So I’m sending you love & more light to let you know that whatever the darkness has done to you…. Brighter times are due to you & you’ve absolutely got this; once your racehorse is properly rested & you feel like nuking that pause button again. We’ve missed you & I’m gloriously glad about that, this morning Jx
A friend quoted Yeats to me and it rings true in the responses and to the friends I ignore “Think where man’s glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends.”
The Darkness will always be with you, be part of you, like the scars: but the Light will shine through, your ability to heal. Healing is not forgetting, but overcoming. But sometimes you need to rest and let the Darkness have its place.
Take care Lemn.
yes.Ihvesaid before that i m not defined by my scars but by the iincredible ability to heal. This is true. But ocassionally it hurts. Thanks
Quite simply, you’re an inspiration, an authentic and brave person! In a world that is increasingly flooded by lies, half-truths, the fake and the imposters, you have had the courage to share your raw true self which sets an example that we all need to be more open, honest, and congruent in sharing our experiences and giving them the recognition they deserve. I’m humbled and in awe that you leveraged your hurt and pain and used it to as a force for good. You have shined a spotlight on the UK care system, highlighting the irony that a child can be removed from one abusive situation, only to be placed into another. Thanks for sharing your story.
Simone Thankyou. I have to thank every single person who has been kind enough to respond. The wisdom of your response and others
has lifted me. I feel lifted after puttig up this post. Thankyou
My heart aches as though I know you personally. Hope is what carries us afloat. Hope is our anchor. Hebrews 6:18-19
Hope really is our anchor. Thankyou
Good to share your feelings you already heared from many people how great you are but may not feel it today. I lived most of my life in the UK so l understand your celebrity status detaches you from who you are and what your values and priorities are. Take a long break Come to Ethiopia where you are the pride of a nation a loved son and brother. Stay as private Ethiopian citizen away from media. I know you came few months ego but it was for launching a book. Come this time just to recharge. Sit amongest ordinary smiling people who look only at the bright side of life despite daily troubles. Just sit by road side cafes and observe and talk to people. As creative person l am sure you observe much deeper than us. They give you such love for simple things in life and coping strategies which will last for life time.Everyone of us face such dark days they help us to sit and count the many blessings we have in life. You are much loved admired and appriciated.
Your workload is insane. slow down to have time for meaning full relationships/friendship look after yourself
I will be delighted to host you here in Ethiopia
Dr, thi sis something I need to do. I need to stay for six months and catch Amharic – itis the only way. Thankyou
for your kind words and keen insight. “slow down to have time for meaning full relationships/friendship look after yourself”.
What wonderful words Dr Hailu. I am sure you are absolutely correct.That is what Lemn should do.
I agree
Dear Lemn,
I am sorry to read of your crash around the dark times of the UK year. But you are allowed to and it’s ok to especially when that strong survival instinct you carry through your life kicks in and you keep that door open with your blog. You are loved by those who know you personally and those who know you through your writings and visibility. You are kind to so many be kind to yourself too.
Wishing you better days ahead and lovely to se e the morning poem appearing again.
I’ll take your advice with thanks
Lemn don’t be so tough on yourself and you already know this : family is who you choose not what is taken away from you or given to you by birth. So you decide who is your best contact/ next of kin and tell them before the SYSTEM decides for you. Maybe notify your solicitors so you are then covered in your will and this should then cover you going forward for any eventuality. Your a pretty smart bloke so you can sort these things out, take control and give yourself some time and take the same advice you’d give other care leavers…. inner child and all that be your own parent coz thats what lots of us have had to do. You’re not alone, the worlds full of lots of survivors and sometimes we have to be alone, shut the world out 2 figure it out and keep re-healing. Much love xx
cheers x
Lemn know you’re taking this down… but as you say the dark needs be there along with the light… trouble is when the dark creeps in or crashes in its hard… my goodness you work hard to hold at bay and bring light to your own and others lives….
Just realising the significance of all you night to day ryhymes…
That family thing…and belonging are MASSIVE…to feel you belong to everyone and no-one at same time it sounds…
However you are loveable and have always been…. you did have family and they were prevented from being there to love you…. for whatever messed up reasons those who were tasked to care for you cared for themselves…
Your time is here to catch up on all that you have deserved but it’s still a tough one to believe and to feel… holding the possibility for you Lemn..holding the light in with the dark xxxxx
Blessing – thankyou Sally
Hello Lemn,
I just wanted to say that your inner strength and way with words has led to you being able to shine light on some of what the kids in our care system have to struggle with everyday, a topic which most of us who come from happy childhood homes rarely have given thought to. Thank you for bringing it to our attention. I hope you feel very proud of what you’ve achieved so far. And on a lighter note, the smiles you’ve gifted to your fans with your gorgeous poetry…
“Spray lifts on the coast
Those who love live
Those who live love the most
And most of all forgive”
Ps. You’d be more than welcome to join us in italy for Christmas.
Take care and chin up
What a blessing. And a kind thing to say. I love those four lines too. It feels like a coincidence that they are mine.
Even though you know they are. Poetry is coincidence in the best way.
I saw you at the South Bank Centre and you talked about being in the present which includes the darkness as well as the light. Whenever I feel down, I think about hearing you on Desert Island Discs and how much you have already overcome. As the priest in Fleabag said: “This will pass”
Oh dear. The priest in fleabag. I am just watching fleabag for the first time.
Lemn this is absolutely normal: life is made of ups and downs. Don’t put this blog down.
We love you xxx
I think it will stay.
I feel for you Lemn I know what is like feeling lonely. I love this song from George Moustaki, a French poet singer
For having slept so often
Pour avoir si souvent dormi
With my loneliness
Avec ma solitude
I almost made a friend of it
Je m’en suis faite presque une amie
A sweet habit
Une douce habitude
She doesn’t leave me with a step
Elle ne me quitte pas d’un pas
Faithful as a shadow
Fidèle comme une ombre
She followed me here and there
Elle m’a suivi çà et là
To the four corners of the world
Aux quatres coins du monde
No i’m never alone
Non, je ne suis jamais seul
With my loneliness
Avec ma solitude
When she’s in the hollow of my bed
Quand elle est au creux de mon lit
It takes up all the space
Elle prend toute la place
And we spend long nights
Et nous passons de longues nuits
Both face to face
Tous les deux face à face
I really don’t know how far
Je ne sais vraiment pas jusqu’où
Will this accomplice
Ira cette complice
Will I have to taste it
Faudra-t-il que j’y prenne goût
Or, should I react?
Ou, que je réagisse?
No i’m never alone
Non, je ne suis jamais seul
With my loneliness
Avec ma solitude
Through her, I learned as much
Par elle, j’ai autant appris
That I shed tears
Que j’ai versé de larmes
If sometimes I repudiate her
Si parfois je la répudie
She never disarms
Jamais elle ne désarme
And, if I preferred love
Et, si je préférais l’amour
From another courtesan
D’une autre courtisane
She will be on my last day
Elle sera à mon dernier jour
My last companion
Ma dernière compagne
No i’m never alone
Non, je ne suis jamais seul
With my loneliness
Avec ma solitude
No i’m never alone
Non, je ne suis jamais seul
With my loneliness
Avec ma solitude
Thnakyou veronique
I have just finished your book and now I have read your blog. You leave me speechless. When your spirit soars you take us all with you and when you fall back to earth we are still there by your side. Just feel the love you have inspired.❤️
Thankyou I hear you. What a wonderful thing to say.
Your story inspires me to be someone who makes a difference. This blog does strike a particular chord though, Christmas is a shit time for so many people. The heightened loneliness, the pressure of expectations, memories captured and engrained because of the date. Give me the light, give me summer and Bah humbug. And I wish you strength to move on from your down now xx
Thanks Sarah
Lemmy, you have a beautiful spirit and give so much of yourself so please let others give to you, kind words, thoughts and deeds. If ever you need a bolt hole by the sea you are always welcome to stay in my humble abode in Brighton. You will step out of the darkness into light and travel around the figure of 8, the highs and the lows but please trust that you will always be held, metaphorically. I believe in the power of prayer and I will hold you in mind in my prayers. You are loved. xxx
Olivette I shall bein Brighton soon and I am really looking forward to it. And thankyo for what you ahve shared with me – it all makes a difference
Take care, my Oga!..
‘..I keep it simple
And I keep coming back!’
You are a phenomenon, much loved and admired.
Thankyou Henock.
Why?
Mr. Sissay
I enjoy and inspired by your writing!
I can understand how you feel when you look at the emergency contact area, and it is either blank, or you wonder if the person listed will come through in an actual emergency?
Our Christmas season has a lot in common .too. With highs of professional success, the Holiday season can be an isolated time of the year when you have no immediate family, and other friends and family members are not close.
I leave you with an affirmation that I use during times when I feel I’m in the world alone. I remember that God loves me and promises me that He will never leave me, and no matter how lonely I feel, I’m not alone. Faith in God/s love and Trust in God that my tomorrow will not be like today because all things for work for the good for everyone who loves and are loved by God.
Please remember that God loves you and you have people around the world praying for you. You are NOT alone.
Perhaps our path will cross.
Thankyou dear Gina for your kind words. Greatly appreciated. And very true
Hi Lemn, looks like my last comment didn’t get moderated… was it the swearing or the clumsy Scrooge metaphor?!
I’m so happy you posted this and that the responses have buoyed you.
Lara
No. There is no moderation. I allow all comments. And respond too. 🙂
Thank you for keeping this post up. It’s frank and it’s real. What an incredible six months you have had, what an incredible impact your story and your book have had. You give so much of yourself live, pouring yourself out on stage – such that I have never witnessed before. For that I am grateful. Be kind to yourself, Lemn. Take time and take care. You are loved x
Thankyou Jodie G. I am taking your advice
As much as anything else this post is a great piece of writing.
xx
Thankyou.
Hello Lemn,
I have contacted you before and hope you are feeling better. You could not have more people from all over the world wishing you well.
I was brought up on Marsh’s farm and know your first friend you mention in your book, very well .
I wonder if you are still in contact with him.
If not and you both want to, I could help with this for you.
Much love
Margaret
nee Marsh
You were brought up on Marsh’s farm! I didn’t know Mr and Mrs Marsh had children. So you know Peter Libbey.
Mr Marsh was very kind to us from Woodfields Childrens Home. I realise this in retrospect. He employed us
every summer to bail the hay. It is a magical memory which I hold dear. Yes I am still in sporadic contact
with Peter. He is on facebook. Recently I had a film made about my life and Peter is in it.
All the best Lemn
Lemn,
Thanks for sharing the great times and the dark times.
I hear you brother. My heart weeps for you Lemn, though this is in the past… and I cry out to the One who brought me out of darkness into His wonderful light when He searched for me and I met Him. Not in the religion of my fathers but in relationship with Him, the only true God. He gave me life, paid for by his blood and I daily find life in Him, His words my counselors, daily lighting my path. He put me in forever family and with iron-clad promises to be as close as the mention of His name and the beating of my heart-for my journey on earth. I share with you, my story in short of my rescuer, the lover of my soul, my crutch, my glory, my hiding place, the shepherd of my soul… and much, much more-Jesus Christ. He searched for me, I met Him, He changed me.
I am not a preacher but a pauper who found a feast and compelled to share the bounty with all…
In Christ’s own words: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I Love you.
H
thankyouuuu!
You are welcome.
If truth be told we ALL have dark days.
I either get very busy with things to do or numb the pain through entertainment and calories…but when I do turn to Christ, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, I always go thorough victorious. Sometimes my prayer is just “JESUS!!!!!!!!!!” He never fails.
Thanks again.
H
You are welcome. If we were all honest about it, we ALL have dark days and have different ways of coping.
I do many things that don’t help but keep me busy to numb the pain…but once I turn to Jesus, a Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, I do go through; He has never failed. Sometimes it is just a one word prayer, “JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.
your sis,
H